[ Sunday, September 11, 2005 ] 4:20:00 PM

How to make your Girlfriend Happy

So my friend, let’s call him Stoic Face, breaks up with his girlfriend of three years. Or rather, his girlfriend breaks up with him. On his birthday. “Birthdays are no big deal”, he had said the day before, when we were bugging him for a free dinner. Apparently, his girlfriend thought so, too.

And like countless girlfriends before, and I’m sure as will girlfriends after, the reason for their breakup is that timeless yet mystifying reason: she says he took her for granted.

No doubt this break-up excuse is a familiar one with most men, as are its variants, among which include:

1. You don’t know I exist anymore
2. You forgot (my birthday/ our anniversary/ that really important event I asked you to go to with me)
3. You’re too busy with (work/ your mother/ your new manager with those really big boobs)
4. We only see each other once a month now
5. We haven’t had sex in two months (a rarity among break-up excuses, I admit, but it exists nevertheless)

I myself have used this reason once to break up with a boyfriend (and of course to justify the fact that I was dumping him for “someone else”, oh the depths we all go to rationalize infidelities).

So if your sex life is dwindling because you spend most of your time “talking”, or if she’s pestering you more and more about your whereabouts at certain times of the night, if she’s unabashedly dropping hints about spending “more time together”, here are some sure-fire ways to make everybody happy: she gets off your back a little, you start getting more on hers (in more ways than one, hopefully), and the best part is that they’re all relatively simple, easy-to-follow things! Like those 30-minute meals cookbooks promise you, which seem to take you the whole afternoon anyway, but I digress.

Anyway. Really. The little things make women happy.

One Hug = No More Bitching

You know those days when nothing seems to have gone her way? She came to work late, her boss started criticizing her project, she forgot to eat lunch, and to top it all off, it’s raining buckets and she’s wearing heels? Having to meet her at the end of a day like that usually means hours of bitching, blaming everyone (from you to the cab driver to the boss’ secretary who’s too slutty for her own good), and a silent dinner accentuated only by her high-pitched voice.

Worry no more! All she needs is a hug! Not too hard to give, and you can embrace various body parts, to boot! Just let her let all her misery out in one (or two, or three) embraces, and presto! Watch her face shine with unspeakable joy! Women just want someone to listen to their bitching for fifteen minutes, and then it’s all over. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside when we get hugs. The Carebears knew that well.

Make’em Telecompanies Rich = Less Stalker Calls

Sure, you’re both busy so you only get to see each other about once a week. Sure, sometimes you go out for a beer with your office buds. And then here comes the stalker texts. Whr r u? says one. I calld ur ofc dey sed u left alredy says another. Pretty soon she’s calling you up, making tampo because you didn’t tell her what your plans were. And then she says something about how your buddies see more of you than she does.

The power to solve this is right in the palm of your hand! Literally! Make your mobile phone company rich by logging minutes and minutes of calls! Make the calls filled with sweet nothings! Tell her you love her at least every thirty seconds! Don’t forget to ask about her day, because that saves you at least ten minutes of saliva. Relay your latest office gossip; it doesn’t matter that it’s not her office; office chismis is universal. Perfect this often enough and sooner or later she’s going to think that you have no communication problem at all! If she says you still do, present your phone bill as proof.

You in a Bad Mood = Less of Her in a Bad Mood

Your girlfriend making hints about job opportunities in the States? Or mentioning that one of her new officemates has the hots for her? And did you reply with the standard, “Oh really?” with matching look at your fingernails? Beware! She’ll probably cite these as signs of your indifference! Never mind that you genuinely want her to be happy, and if she’s going to have a more fulfilling career in the States, you’d be the first to encourage her. Or that you’re either not the jealous type, or just too goddamn good looking that you don’t feel threatened by anyone who tries to come on to your girlfriend. She’s going to end up in a bad mood anyway because she thinks you don’t care.

This is one of those tests that women, irrational beings that we are, give men in order to gauge their sensitivity levels. She’s trying to measure, by your reaction, how important she is to you. A pointless method, but we do it anyway.

So you’re better off consciously passing the test: feign a bad mood. It’s as simple as that. Play along with her game. Act upset because she’s thinking of leaving you. Act jealous that she’s a desired woman. Use a little pa-cute voice while doing it so she doesn’t think you’re seriously mad. Put :( in your texts to her. She’ll love that. She’ll think it’s hilarious. And her bad mood’s gone! Then watch her appease you, instead of the other way round. The ultimate equality of the sexes!

Flower Power = A Blossoming Girlfriend

Women love flowers. And I mean love, almost as much as we love shoes. Roses, tulips, carnations, lilies; women are nuts over flowers (as I’m sure some men are, too). No wonder feminine hygiene products often have flowers for logos.

And it’s all the more convenient these days because most flower shops have this thing called the telephone, by which you can contact them without having to go all the way out to Dangwa by the railroad tracks to buy fresh ones in pretty arrangements. And what’s more, most flower shops also have this thing called delivery service, which means you can get them to deliver the flowers instead of you having to brave traffic to get to wherever she is.

If you hand-deliver your flowers, though, that’s about 10,000 more pogi points than if you had them delivered. And if you sent flowers other than the days where you are, by some kind of Unspoken Rule, required to give them (such as anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentines), that’s about 100,000 more pogi points because it means you just wanted to do something nice. Which may mean some flowery action for you, to make it all worth it. After all, there’s a more obvious reason why feminine hygiene products use flowers.

Your Exquisite Taste = No Ugly Girlfriend Please

No one picks ugly girlfriends. Even ugly men don’t have ugly girlfriends (unfair, yes, but it’s a fact of life). So out of these six tips, probably the most important one is telling her she’s pretty once in a while. Because you think she is, in all honesty. “You look great” are the next three most important words you’ll ever tell her. And they have instant impact, too.